Bad Influence

Sasha is still a persistent meower, and she might even be taking it up a notch if that is possible. Latino and I were watching a show about dogs, and it mentioned how animals can be motivated by food, touch, or toys. We both decided that Sasha is clearly motivated by touch. Latino even once said, "She is like one of those toys with batteries that make noise when you touch them." In particular, she goes crazy when Latino pets her. He claims that she is ticklish and that is why she reacts like that. I have yet to perfect the art of tickling a cat, even though I try.

Latino also likes to pretend that he has some kind of command over her, and that she does what he says. All he has to do is walk by and she meows at him, begging for attention. He also knows that saying anything to her will get her to meow in return. He likes to say, "Sasha, say meow." This can sometimes elicit a chain reaction of meows to which he responds, "That's too many meows. I just asked for one!"

Sasha is also quite demanding and will force us to pet her by running her body under our hands or slamming her head into us. I must have been doing something similar to get Latino's attention one time because he laughed and said, "You are acting just like Sasha! She is a bad influence on you. You should get rid of her."

It always comes back to that.

 

Poison

Latino made the mistake of reading an article about Toxoplasmosis gondii, the parasite that can be transmitted via cat litter. He became concerned about the safety of having cats in the house. He started referring to the cats as "poisonous", and saying that we better get rid of them because they are going to poison us. I sometimes hear him muttering under his breath, "poisonous cats".

I have had a long history of being unable to keep orchids alive. After my third orchid was on its death bed, I told Latino that I don't think this house is for orchids. He said, "You just need to get rid of the cats and the orchid will be fine. The cats are poison!" I assured him that the problem must actually be with me. He insisted that if I were to just get rid of the cats, everything would be fine with the plants. I guess we will never know.

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Cat Conspiracy

Latino has not given up his requests to "donate" the cats. He also continues with different conspiracies that the cat lovers and cats of the world are against him.

"Is there any education available before you get a cat? So people can be aware of what they're getting into? It is a trick that the sellers use against us. People get a kitten because they think, 'Oh! What a cute little kitten!!!' And then they grow up and there is litter everywhere, hairballs, and the cats stink!"

This, however, does not stop him from talking to the cats, laughing when they follow him everywhere, trying to get attention from them to make me jealous, and obviously being entertained by their antics. Though he would never admit it, he has clearly also fallen for the charms of the cats. As have I. One day I was watching Lucy lick Sasha's fur and I exclaimed, "Oooh! Isn't that so cute?!" Latino took one look at the bathing cats and said, "No. That's nasty!" I am waiting for the day he will admit how cute he really thinks they are.

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Who? Me?

Latino has developed a sense of paranoia lately. This is uncharacteristic behavior for him. "I think Lucy is trying to figure out how to kill us so she can eat us. She sits in that same spot and watches every night, plotting. She is looking for weak spots, observing you. I think it is just you she wants to kill; she leaves the room when I come in. You better watch out." His solution is a typical one for him. "We better get rid of her."

Although Latino might be on to something due to Lucy's evil tendencies, I defended my cat the best way I knew how: the sweet and innocent approach. "Look at her. She looks so sweet! How could she be planning our murders? Look at that innocent face!" This approach worked well for me as a child. I would do something to my older sister and she would yell, "Mom! Gringa did ______ to me!" My mom would look at me, see the most innocent face I could muster, and be convinced there was no way I could have done that.

Evil or not, I had to convince Latino that Lucy was worth keeping around. I must admit, however, that sometimes I keep an eye on her when she is staring at me. Sometimes she does so while intentionally flicking her tail against me. I can tell it is not an accident because she repeats the action multiple times while whacking her tail HARD, not just a soft little twitch. She is staring me down right now, and I think she is hungry. Now I sound more like the paranoid one, but that is more my nature than Latino's anyway.

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Lesson in Apology

Earlier this week, Latino was schooled by my eight year old niece. He was giving Lucy a hard time, as always, and he touched her tail with his foot. She did not like this and she chattered at him. My niece first asked Lucy if she was okay, and then she laid into Latino, "That was mean!!!" I mentioned that I sometimes tell him to say sorry to the cats. She jumped on that immediately.

"Say sorry! TEN! NINE! EIGHT!"

"Sorry," Latino chuckled.

"Tell it to the cat! SEVEN!"

"Sorry, cat," Latino replied.

"What's her name?!! SIX!"

"Sorry, Lucy."

"Look at her when you say it! FIVE!"

"Sorry, Lucy," Latino replied, while looking at the cat instead of my niece.

I am not sure what would have happened if she had finished counting down from ten. I was a little nervous to find out. All I know is that she would make a great drill sergeant. I also know that I could use her here on a regular basis to help keep Latino in line.

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Online University

Latino is not a veterinarian, nor a surgeon. That does not stop him from having a goal of performing surgery on the cats. When I reminded him that he is not qualified, he said he plans to watch internet how-to videos which will supposedly give him enough medical skills to get the job done. Yes, that should definitely make him proficient.

He frequently asks Lucy if she has a brain. Latino has great interest in performing brain surgery on her. I am not sure what he ultimately intends to accomplish with this surgery, but I am pretty sure it involves altering her behavior in one way or another. He has shown great interest in a species to species transplant. "Lucy, I am going to do a surgery and replace your brain with a dog's. Then we will see how you behave." I asked, "So you want a cat with a dog's brain?" What I get out of this is that he still wants a cat, regardless.

Latino has a different surgery planned for Sasha. He tells her that he is going to do a vocal surgery. It seems that her persistent "talking" gets on his nerves. Even without vocal chords, her behavior toward him would not change. She still would worship the ground he walks on, albeit more quietly. Latino also seems to think that no anesthesia is necessary. That part must have been left out of the videos.

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Vote for Cats!

Latino stops at nothing to come up with new and unique ways to get rid of the cats. I should be beyond the point of being surprised by what comes out of his mouth. However, a recent plan of his took an unexpected political turn.

"What if it was illegal to have cats as pets? Then what would you do?"

I responded that was too ridiculous and would never happen. That did not deter Latino.

"I am going to write a letter to the state government. I am going to send them one letter every day asking them to make having cats as pets illegal."

Obviously this is a top political issue. You may soon see it on a ballot. Until then, Lucy seems pretty content where she is.

  
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The Stages of Cat Bliss

There are a few patterns of behavior that I have observed in watching Sasha interact with Latino. She is a creature of habit, and she usually engages in several of the following stages in succession.

1) The request for attention. This includes, but is not limited to, the meow. The meow ranges from loud, to louder, to very loud, and can be sustained for close to twenty seconds. Sometimes it sounds like a desperate howl. The meow is most often accompanied by an upward stare at Latino's face. It can also include rubbing his leg with her entire body. At certain times all of these events are preceded by stalking and following him from room to room. Once in a while there will be a closed door between them. This does not deter Sasha from her stalking tendencies.

2) Downward facing cat. This occurs when Latino first begins petting her. He has demonstrated that I do not pet her correctly; I should learn from him and "massage" both by her shoulders and her hind legs. Latino's massage prompts her into a downward facing cat pose, with her head close to the floor and her hind legs and tail pointed up as high they can go.

3) The flop. Usually following the downward facing cat, Sasha will give in to pure bliss and flop down her whole body until it is horizontal on the floor. She will even do this when Latino lifts half her body into the air.

4) The stretch. This involves elongating her body as much as is physically possible. It is her way of giving in to complete submission and happiness.

5) The trust fall. Latino will hold Sasha so she is standing on her back paws. He will then move her backward until she is laying on her back. She does not even flinch! She will lie in the exact position he placed her while he rubs under her chin.

The moral of the story is that Sasha is a puppet in Latino's hands. He can move her, twist her, and manipulate her in any way he desires. Not only does she take it, but she seems to be in complete happiness and she always comes back for more. Which brings us back to #1: the request.

                                                        
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Freedom on the Farm

My words are hardly necessary in this entry. It is a conversation between Latino and Lucy. It is a bit one-sided though, as Lucy was playing the typical non-responsive feline.

"Want to go to a farm, Lucy? There will be plenty of cats for you to hang out with: big cats, small cats, medium cats. You can find a boyfriend! You will be free there. You can catch mice. You will be so happy. When would you like to go? We can go tomorrow! I can put you in a box and take you."

Shortly after that Lucy was biting my foot. She does that on occasion. She begs for attention from my foot, yet she can easily get overstimulated. Latino told me that maybe she would not bite me if I told her I was going to take her to a farm. He muttered under his breath, "You keep them like prisoners here." He is so concerned about her well being that he desires her freedom and happiness. Here is a photo Latino sent me of the cats all boxed up and ready to go the farm.

 

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Battle of the Boxes

One thing I do not understand about cats is their desire to be in tight spaces. One of my favorite photos I have seen online has several boxes on the ground, each with a cat in it. The caption said, "The cat traps are working." My cats are no exception, especially Sasha. One day Latino brought in a cardboard box and conveniently left it on the living room floor. Sasha claimed it as her own promptly and she barely left it for days. Latino decided that she liked the box because it was a gift from him. "Who gave you that box, Sasha? You like it because it is from me, right?"

Sasha eventually started losing interest in the box. Latino said it was because the box was not clean and that I do not seem to care enough to clean it. Shortly thereafter, I brought my own special box and placed it right next to the original. Sasha flocked to it and made it her new nest. The box has a portion of the side cut out which provides a little ledge to rest her head. She even stopped harassing Latino in the kitchen because she was too cozy in her box.

The competition ensued between Latino and me. I was delighted that Sasha was choosing the box from me, and Latino loved to play off this and attempt to ignite jealousy in me. He began transferring her to the box from him. Sometimes she jumped straight into my box; sometimes she did not. I must admit I felt victorious when she selected my box, like for a brief period of time she forgot that Latino is her new favorite person. Soon Latino's theory was that she preferred whichever box was furthest from the wall. We began playing musical boxes and moving them to determine if the location in the room would affect which box she chose. Latino continues to antagonize me because he thinks it is hilarious that I get so excited when she prefers my box.

My favorite part of the battle is listening to Latino trying to convince Sasha about the benefits of his box. "That box is tall, grande, and sturdy. You can tell it is good quality just by looking at it. The other box is cheap!" We are comparing apples to apples here, but Latino makes it sound like he constructed her a throne made out of gold.

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Achoo!

I, Gringa, have always struggled with allergies. Up until the spring of 2012 I was only aware of being allergic to dust mites. When I got retested that spring I learned I had acquired allergies to four types of pollens and to dogs. Additionally, to my dismay and to Latino's delight, I was also allergic to cats.

Latino asked what I was going to do with the cats. I replied that I was not going to do anything with them. Why should I? He pointed out that they make me sneeze. I tried explaining that I signed up to be their guardians for the length of their lives. Latino could not understand. "I don't know why you keep cats that make you sick."

Fortunately, allergy shots, nasal spray, and an occasional Claritin do wonders. I cannot escape the dust mites either, so why get get rid of the cats? They bring me joy!

Perhaps this is why he tried the whole "I'm allergic to cats" trick on me when we started dating. He must have thought it would prompt me to redistribute them. But if I won't get rid of the cats for my own allergies, he knows he does not stand a chance of getting rid of them for his "allergies." Nice try, Latino.

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Spicy but Nice!

Latino has developed a habit of feeding the cats food from his plate. It started innocently enough as bacon on Saturday mornings. I think this indicated love, because why else would a man be willing to share his bacon?

Then I overheard this conversation: "Lucy, you are chubby. You are going to have a heart attack. Maybe that is what I can do. I can keep feeding her until she has a heart attack. It would take a lot more food to make Sasha die....I guess we can just starve her." Ah, the ulterior motive begins.

And so begins the feeding frenzy. Latino started feeding Lucy at dinner with a piece of chicken. I am aware of her love for chicken since the time she stole a piece off of my plate and ran and hid. Lucy immediately started acting dog like and she stares him down every time he eats. He obliges and gives her a piece of whatever food he is eating, and no matter what it is he says, "Want some chicken, Lucy?" I laughingly watch her eyes follow every move of his hand. A recent incident involved a Mexican soup I had made called posole. It has pork, hominy, and enchilada sauce in it. Latino took a chunk of pork, put it in his mouth to remove the enchilada sauce from it (like a mother bird!), and gave it to Lucy. She ate it, but when she was done she repeatedly licked her lips for several minutes. (See video below). My favorite part of the video is when Latino asked her, "It's spicy but niiiice, huh Lucy?" At least they both like my cooking.

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Cat Go Round

I have just discovered what goes on when I am not home. Latino was proud to show me this video he took while spinning Sasha in circles. He says she enjoys this, and there may be some true to that because she looks up at him like she did not want him to stop. Either that or she is a glutton for punishment, as she continues to take the harassment from him and then she comes back for more. I am not sure which one of them is crazier.

Tuna Tricks

Over a period of time, I unknowingly performed a Pavlovian experiment with the cats. They became classically conditioned to respond to a tuna can. I take out three bowls, one for each of the cats so I can give them some tuna juice, and one to make tuna salad in. Then I put a can of tuna on the counter and grab the can opener out of the drawer. I give them a little bowl of it and they enjoy their tuna treat. After doing this a few times, I noticed the cats would be next to me meowing before I could even get the can opener out. When Latino first witnessed this, he found it very amusing.

A couple days ago I heard him laughing in the kitchen. I walked in to find the cats next to him, meowing excitedly. On the counter were three bowls and a can of tuna. He had absolutely no intention of even opening the can of tuna. They finally gave up when he put the tuna can away. He repeated the same trick later that evening, and Lucy was not too happy with him. He wants to break the cats of their conditioned behavior. Latino thinks he is pretty clever, but Lucy will retaliate in her own way if he keeps this up.

 

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Boo!

The other day I had a sudden attack of the hiccups. It had been quite some time since I last had such an uncontrollable bout of them. Latino asked if I knew how to stop them and I said, "Yes! Scare me!" He replied that scaring me would not be effective if I was expecting it. I decided he was right and proceeded working on some things around the house, all the while hiccupping unceasingly.

A few minutes later I was putting away dishes in the kitchen. I turned around and there, inches in front of my face, was Sasha. I screamed, as I was truly startled that Sasha was at eye level in Latino's arms. I probably scared her in turn because she startles easily as well. Even though my hiccups did not subside, I appreciated Latino's gesture. This is one unpredictable household.

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Resolutions

This new year seems to have a familiar theme to it. In the past, Latino has devised many unique plans to remove the cats from his life. These include, but are not limited to:

1. Throwing them out the window (Gringa: "Where is Lucy?" Latino: "I threw her out the window.")

2. Taking them to a farm ("They will make lots of friends there.")

3. Donating them to Alf (He is referring to the 80's alien life form that eats cats.)

4. Taxidermy (In Latino's words: "We should make them into stuffed cats." He even turned this into a money making scheme after I told him I had seen a stuffed cat at an art museum. "We can do that! We can charge people money to see them.")

5. Taking them to a lake ("We will see if they can swim. If not, too bad.")

6. Flying them to South America  ("We can buy them a ticket and take them with us. Then we will leave them there.")

7. Moving to a different house and leaving them with the new family who buys our house ("Sasha, you are going to have a new family. What kind of family do want?")

8. Bringing them to a friend's house who on occasion cat sits ("You are going to have a new owner, and his name is Gary.")

9. Sending them away on a train

When celebrating the new year, Latino announced his resolution. "My new year's resolution is to donate the cats." How philanthropic. I can only imagine what other schemes Latino will devise this year. Happy New Year to all, anyway.